How to get Alec drunk: take one warlock and a lot of alcohol
by summer-and-scented-candles
Summary: A little funfic (see what I did there? :D) that I made. The gang goes out and Magnus tries to get Alec drunk.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys! So this is just a little funfic that I made, because I love Alec and I love Magnus so I totally love Malec! :D**

**I'm aware that I need a beta, so if you want to help me, then you can send me a PM.**

**By the way, the line breaks are a little weird sometimes.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Enjoy! (?)**

* * *

Jace, Clary, Isabelle, Simon, Maia, Jordan and Magnus were all having lunch in the institute (Alec was running an errand. He was out of deodorant and if Alec

hated anything, it was reeking), when Simon had brought up what the gang liked to call 'the topic' from then on. "Hey guys, has Alec ever been drunk?" Jace

had shook his head. "Nah. He isn't a big fan of going out. Izzy and I get drunk now and then, but Alec never. When we go out he just sits at the bar and looks

bored, but he always insists on going with us."

"I bet it would look really funny if Alec got drunk" Maia had snickered, and the rest had smiled. "Yeah, I think so too. But he never will, because how would we

do that? We can't just give him vodka and say it's coke. He'd never buy that" Jace stated, and he shrugged.

"Actually…" said Clary, and she looked thoughtful, "I think there's one person that could distract him enough to, I don't know, maybe change his drink?" All

eyes went to Magnus, who was just eating peanut butter for the first time. He held his finger up. "This tastes peculiar, really, really weird. Not bad, but weird.

And what color is it? Orange or brown? You humans, when you are bored you just mix stuff in a pan and if it isn't a disaster, you call it peanut butter, or jelly

or moisturizer or something like that. I'm a happy, happy warlock." Magnus swallowed the last piece of the sandwich and said: "Why would you think I could

get Alex drunk (it was the trade-off he and Alec had made; not Alexander or Alec, but Alex)?" Isabelle answered. "Because you can distract him in ways we

can't. Come on, Magnus, maybe he wants you to do his hair if he gets drunk." Magnus' eyes twinkled. "Okay, fine, I'll try." he said. "But only one time and if he

gets drunk, then I have dibs on his hair." On that moment, they all heard the doors of the institute open. A few minutes later, Alec entered the kitchen. "I'm

home" he said, totally unnecessarily. "We noticed" Magnus stated and he smiled, his yellow cat eyes shining with happy love. Alec smiled too and kissed him

slightly on the lips. "What were you guys talking about?" he asked. Jace cleared his throat. "We're going out tonight, and you are coming with us."

* * *

That night, the gang (inclusive a reluctant Alec) stepped into the Pandemonium Club. "I have to tell you" Alec said into Magnus' ear, trying to raise his voice

above the music, "that I can't dance!" Magnus laughed and nodded; Isabelle and Jace already had told him that: 'Alec is awesome with seraph blades, bow

and arrow, improvised weapons and steles, but he can't dance. Like, put a limping elephant and a kid who is on a trampoline for the first time together and

you get close to Alec's dancing skills.'

"You don't have to dance, noodle, let's sit at the bar!" he said into his boyfriend's ear. Alec, relieved that he didn't have to step on his own square hell,

nodded and followed Magnus to the bar. The others, who didn't want to make stuff too obvious, mingled with the dancing crowd.

"What do you want to drink?" Magnus asked. "A cocktail, wine, liqueur?" Alec shook his head. "A coke, please" he said. When they both had their drinks, Alec

asked: "noodle? Seriously?" Magnus shrugged. "I'm still trying, and I will find the perfect nickname. Don't you get sick of the black?" he replied. He had a point:

the shadowhunters all wore black gear, as always. Alec shook his head again. "No. It's how I grew up. Besides, you don't get sick of looking like a rainbow

puked on you either." Magnus smiled. "I'm as straight as a rainbow, so that makes sense. By the way, don't you ever drink alcohol?" "Of course I do, but not

very often. I have to watch after those two idiots" Alec said, scanning the crowd for Jace and Isabelle. He saw them dancing with a few other people, who

had to be Clary and Simon or a stranger, since Izzy and Simon weren't exclusive. When he looked back at Magnus, said warlock grabbed him and kissed him.

Alec, who was a little surprised, made a noise and started moving with Magnus' lips after a few seconds. While they were snogging, Magnus changed his

brown

cocktail with Alec's coke. He'd made sure that his drink was the same color as Alec's, and now he moved them carefully around with his right hand. A few

minutes later he pulled back. "Where did that come from?" Alec asked, not unpleased. Magnus grinned. "You just look really hot in black." "Well," said Alec drily,

"let's just ignore the fact that I wear black 24/7, then." Magnus winked, and took a sip of 'his' coke. Alec did the same with his drink, and frowned. "I guess

they gave me the wrong drink" he said. Magnus blinked quasi-innocent. "Shall I ask for a new coke?" Alec shook his head once again. "No, that'd be a bit

rude." He shrugged. "One cocktail won't hurt."

* * *

It went on like that for several hours. Magnus found different tricks to get Alec to drink more and more alcohol, and a few hours later, when they walked (or,

in Alec's case, stumbled) out of the Club, he was really, _really _drunk. "Y'know," he blurred at Isabelle, "ya haire is realleeeehhh longg. I cannut see the ennnd."

His words slurred really bad. "Mehby it isss in…" he paused to think. "… Tokio!" he yelled triumphantly, after a few minutes. The gang snickered and Isabelle

rolled her eyes. "Funny, guys." she said. Alec shook his head frantically. "No, not funny!" he said. "People in Tokio are prob… prob… falling over it, sinzz it's

sssssso longg." He 'ran' over to Clary. "Clereh! Stahp!" he yelled. "Is there something wrong?" she replied, startled. Alec nodded. "Yeehhssss!" He pointed at

a yellow car that stood a few meters from them. "You see that duck? It's sssstaring at you" he whispered really loud. Now the whole gang laughed, even

Isabelle

and Clary. She smiled. "I'm sure it won't hurt m-" "STOP TALKING!" Alec interrupted her, and she was so startled that she made a little jump. "S- sorry." she

said. Alec laughed. "It'zz okayy. Just don't scream so hard. I'm right hereeee."

Alec stumbled to Magnus. "Shall I tell you a secret?" he whispered his lover's ear. Magnus quirked an eyebrow but nodded and smiled. "Tell me a secret,

darling." Alec nodded too and with a very important look he said: "secretly, we're all panda'zz". The gang laughed out loud now. Alec looked offended. "'m

Seriouzzzz," he said, and he pointed at them. "We _think _we're humans, but secretly we're panda'zz" he stated, completely forgetting that Maia and Jordan

were werewolves. He put an arm around Magnus' shoulder and said: "I'm a duck. You're a duck. We are all ducks, but we think we're humanzz. You're not even

human, so maybe you're a... parrot… y' know, because you have all different kinds of colors. Just kidding, you'd be an awesome parrot… a parrot that would

talk way too much. But that's okay cause that

would mean you're a really smart parrot. You know why? Because parrots don't talk very often. Just sayin'." Simon was laughing so hard that he was crying.

"Okay guys, I think I'm taking him home. What if we meet each other at three o'clock at Taki's tomorrow? Then we can eat lunch and he can kill us all."

Magnus said. The rest nodded. "OK, see you then." He took Alec wrist and said: "Come on, darling, time to get you home." He waved at the others and walked

out of sight with a swaying Alec.

* * *

**So what did you think? Tell me :)**  
**Should a make a chapter at Taki's?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi guys! So... **  
**1) I want to thank you for the great reviews. They really made my day! :)**  
**2) I know that there can be some spelling and grammar mistakes.**  
**3) It is SO hard to make a good second chapter, and I hope that you guys like it more than I do. **  
**4) To the lovely guest that reviewed: thank you for the nice comment, but I really would have NO idea what to write about the scene at Magnus's. I'm sorry!  
**  
**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

The next day, at three o'clock, the gang (minus Alec and Magnus, who wasn't really a part of it but went with Alec sometimes. Alec wasn't

really a touchy-feely-PDA person, but it sucked a lot more to be alone with two couples. Magnus didn't mind at all to come with him, since he

was, you know, Magnus) was sitting in Taki's when the doors opened and Magnus stepped in, followed by an incredibly grumpy-looking Alec.

When the shadowhunter had reached the table of the friends, he looked into six innocent-looking faces. He grumbled and sat down, next to

Magnus. "I hate all of you." Jordan spoke up. "So… you remember what happened last night?" Alec looked at him with such a deadly look that

Jordan shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. "… No. But what I do remember is that I woke up today and it felt like there were hundreds of

hammers waltzing in my head, and that my hair looked… special." Alec looked emphatically at Magnus, who put his hands at the height of his

shoulders in a defensive gesture. The gang chuckled. "What did you do with his hair?" asked Maia. Magnus looked offended. "Why do you say

that like it is something bad?" he asked. "Every warlock would completely agree with me that it was beautiful." Alec grumbled. "I'm a

shadowhunter, Magnus. A shadowhunter. I don't like it if my hair looks like a nuclear piant-bomb exploded in it. NO!" he held his hand up at

the rest of the gang. "If you want to live longer than today, don't laugh. I'm having a hangover, a bad mood and I'm hungry, so I'm pretty

dangerous." Magnus smiled. "Oh come on, darling, it will get better." He took Alec's hand. Said shadowhunter didn't smile back, but the

corners of his mouth curled a little bit less down. "Hey!" Isabelle said, reading her brother's body language. "Why are you not mad at him?

Although it wasn't his plan, he was the one that got you drunk." Alec, who apparently already had been informed what mostly had happened

the previous night, looked at her, and shrugged. "He got me coffee." Isabelle frowned. "Coffee? Is that all it takes? Well that's easy, I'll order

you some coffee." Alec shook his head and, obviously, regretted that immediately, since he winced and took a sip of Clary's water. "Sure,"

she said, "take it. No problem. Thanks for asking." Alec smiled dryly at her and turned his head back to Isabelle. "He had coffee when I woke

up. You know I need coffee when I wake up, especially this morning, and everything hurt so it was really useful that he brought it." Magnus

smiled triumphantly and squeezed his hand. "The thing is: he only told me that he brought me drunk." (Magnus looked with an expression that

said I-have-my-make-up-ways-that-you-can't-use) "I don't want to hear the rest of it. We can forget all of this, right here and right now.

Me AND all of you. Never speak of it again and I won't too." When the group stayed silent, Alec said: "great, so that's settled. I'm going to

order something." He waved at Kaelie, and she came to the booth, smiling. "Alexander! What a pleasant surprise. What can I get you? Duck,

maybe? We have some other things, too. Sushi, all the way from Tokyo." When Alec (with a confused face) had ordered coffee and

pancakes, he asked: "what was that?" Jace snickered. "We might have told her what happened last night before you two came in. Nothing to

be embarrassed about. Well, maybe a little. Or a lot." Alec sighed. "Do you want me to tell the other what happened the last time you were

drunk? Izzy doesn't remember it, because she was totally wasted too. But I can tell you that it also involved ducks… living ones." When Jace

gave him a weird look, Alec continued. "Let me just tell you that the mark in your neck wasn't a hickey. Oh, and I know that you found a

lollipop in the bra that you wore next morning." With an evil smile, he started to eat his pancakes, hoping that this all would be over soon.

* * *

**Thanks for reading!  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**


End file.
